short funny affirmations

2. - Marcus Tullius Cicero. I dont need excuses, because I never mess things up. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me. I am here not to compete because I know I am neither the fastest nor the smartest. I believe in what's possible for me. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. 68. Its okay, he woke up. Good morning! I thought you said extra fries. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. 238. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. 268. 119. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember. 157. 181. 111. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth., 9. If you woke up feeling drained and blurry, these funny affirmations will boost your energy and get you ready to slay the day! Look, youre smiling! Just like every Monday does on Earth. Ive been doing nothing for years. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Your email address will not be published. As you can see, laughter is already a powerful tool on its own. It has many of the same goals as affirmations, as theyre both associated with positivity and happiness. Sam Levenson 112. 236. "What doesn't kill you makes your drinks stronger.". 33. 269. 81. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. - TS Eliot. 264. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and more to motivate them every morning. So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Given below are some short quotes to tickle your funny bone. 13. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. 19. 179. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. 1,132 Positive Affirmations: Your Daily List of - Develop Good Habits Im like a postage stamp. 168. 120 Funny/sarcastic affirmations ideas - Pinterest Im not weird, Im just limited edition. 157. My cankles will hold me. 268. A gummy bear. - Bob Hope. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. You can only be young once. 167. Nobody gets out alive anyway. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. 53. 89. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. Whether its at other people or at ourselves, its good to laugh in life. There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldnt even jump puddles for you., 13. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 115. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. 203. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. 23. Not everyone has good taste. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. 110. Send me the link. Consider what you want to accomplish using these witty affirmations, and go for the ones that will bring you closer to that goal. 91. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. I intend to live forever. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. I am not only pretty but also pretty awesome, pretty smart, and pretty kind. 40. 110. But even if this does happen, who cares? It is already tomorrow in Australia.". It will just flow naturally. People who talk behind my back are getting a great view. Repeat the affirmation as many times as you see fit. I did it! Charles M. Schulz Sam Levenson. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. Take a dose of encouragement from your positive affirmations whenever youre feeling down. "We . I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? "A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret. "If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.". 1. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up., 14. A mind is like a parachute. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Today I will embrace the poop. 228. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. Cry a river. And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! Learn sign language, its very handy. 90. "Have a great Wednesday. Funny Wednesday Work Quotes. I wish my wallet came with free refills. 232. 28. You can also think of your affirmations while you work, drive, do yoga, or simply enjoy time with friends. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . 174. 12. 139. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. Today, I am thankful for this week. It may feel useless but just get into it. I always find something funny in every situation. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. 215. 10. 15. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Exercise? 66. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. 128. I tried, but they wanted cash. I am positive. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Why did the school kids eat their homework? Edward A. Murphy. 46. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. 208. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. Affirmations are a great way to change your mindset. 153. Stay focused and consistent, and youll start noticing the healing powers of humor and fun. 183. Stop trying to make everyone happy. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Use them throughout the day whenever you experience negative thoughts. 40 Apology Paragraph For Her To Say Im Sorry, 80 Cute Relationship Quotes For Sweet Couples In Love, 50 Doubt In Relationship Quotes To Rebuild Trust, 75 Sad Broken Relationship Quotes To Fix Your Heartbreak, 70 Relationship Honesty Quotes On Love, Trust & Loyalty, 80 Relationship Sorry Quotes To Apologize To Your Love, 65 Disney Quotes About Family That Will Warm Your Heart, 90 Best Shrek Quotes From The Funny Ogre Movie, 80 Blended Family Quotes To Share With Your Loved Ones, 90 Female Fitness Quotes For Women Who Workout. Ken Dodd 7. 70. 41 Positive Affirmations & Positive Quotes To Treasure Finding humor in a difficult situation helps me win. They log in. 13. My mind is becoming much sharper. Some people are like clouds. 172. Bill Murray Jackie Collins, 240. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. I stick to things until I get to my destination., 12. 300+ Short Positive Quotes to Brighten Your Day - PsyCat Games I see food, and I eat it. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. 166. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Things are getting better all the time. 9. 75. 52. Walter Bagehot. 33 Humorous Affirmations [The Best Ones] 96. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? 1. The library, because it has so many stories. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. In between, I am alive., 7. Its a door, thats how they work. 252. When they go away, its a brighter day. Erma Bombeck When nothing is going right, go left. 119. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. I am tough and resilient. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. 1. 131. 201. 8. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. A backbone. 68. 120. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. Be kinder with yourself and change your thoughts for better health (physically and emotionally). 173. Bill Gates. 151. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. 62. Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. Its time to be much more intentional about the words that we tell ourselves and take a step back from all of lifes noise. 140. 7. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. 7. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. 155. 17. Really? Robert Bloch. 180. I dont suffer from insanity. I make a difference by showing up fully. Nothing, they just waved. 39. 137. Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. 149. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. Without further ado, let's look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. "You're in mint condition for a vintage model. I am not letting an episode of my life ruin the entire show. Your email address will not be published. My body deserves healthy food and exercise, not junk food or laziness. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. Albert Einstein, 190. 230. Heres a list of important things to consider: Choosing the perfect affirmation from our list isnt much different. 147. 60. 55. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. You have to go after it with a club. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. "It's going to be hard, but hard does not mean impossible.". About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact 2023 Quotement. 54. 151. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. My mistakes dont define me. Short Funny Affirmations - Finally, I'm Revealing My Secret 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter (2023) I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. 60. Dont let anything or anyone stop you from achieving what you truly aspire. 190. 248. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. Benjamin Franklin 205. Stuart Turner Hes dreaming too. I am thankful for all the problems I dont have. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes: Short Holiday Sayings - Parade George Burns, 253. - Catherine Pulsifer. As long as I have friends as weird as me, I have everything. Why did the school kids eat their homework? Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. 28. How Do People Share The News About Their Engagements? Never let anyone waste your time twice. Watch popular content from the following creators: Maaryfairyy(@maaryfairyy), Jasmines Garden(@jasminesgarden23), Dazley(@dazzlemeup), JaySean(@jaysean), Nathalie Munoz(@nathaliemunozx3) . When you feel terrified (without your safety being in danger): 5. 38. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox. 91. I am grateful for that time. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. Ann Landers 203. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. Youre talking to yourself. 117. 249. 1. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. I say what I want and i dont care what everyone else thinks about it. 65. Mind blown! In between, I am alive. 265. 23. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. 200. 99. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. Well, life isn't just about glitz and glamour nor rainbows and butterflies. 39. I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 277. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. 4. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. I dont care! An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. Your brain will only ever optimally respond to positive present tense affirmations such as " I am calm .". Dave Barry 142. A gummy bear. Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all time., See also: 210 Killer Self Love Captions For Instagram To Lift You Up. Similar to how it's important to minimize distractions in the workplace, you need a few minutes of peace to focus and mindfully say your affirmations. 70+ Daily Affirmations That'll Rock Your World - Fun Cheap or Free 156. They make you change without hurting your self-esteem. You cant have everything, where would you put it? 145. I tell you what always catches my eye. Wilson Mizner, 262. Yeah, so is a grenade. 8. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 36. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. Socrates. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. I may stumble along the way, but I will get over it. It's why you may feel excinervous (aka excited and nervous at the same time). What is Mozart doing right now? I thought you said extra fries. Ann Landers, 244. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. Youre basically a houseplant with complicated emotions., 11. Please excuse me while I go check the plumbing. 'Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.'. Shoot for the moon. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Henny Youngman, 246. Funny Affirmations. Putting up with others shit isnt on my To-Do list today. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? Paul Ehrlich 168. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes. Every one of my colleagues brings happiness into the office. 34. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. Happy Birthday.". Robert A. Heinlein What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. Billy Wilder. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. I am transforming into someone who is outgoing and makes others laugh. Short Funny Affirmations - Finally, I'm Revealing My Secret Enjoy! May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short., See also: 120 Inspiring Wednesday Morning Blessings To Motivate You. Here are the 200 best sarcastic quotes, from funny comments, sayings, and phrases dripping with snarky sarcasm. Your mind will naturally focus more on the positive things that happen that day rather than the negatives. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. Why cant you trust an atom? 159. 261. Life is filled with highs and lows, stress and anxiety, so sometimes some funny and positive words will help you lighten up on an encouraging note. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. Actually, you dont have to imagine. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. 213. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. 113. I bet giraffes dont even know what farts smell like. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Snowballs. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Never judge a book by its movie. I release all shame about my body. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. I am adventurous. 192. 33. Franklin Jones, 259. Roy Lichtenstein. 194. 181. Yeah, so is a grenade. I'm a peli-can! Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. So far, so good. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. Keep your affirmations in the present. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. You wanna know who Im in love with? 3. Czech proverb 269. 18. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. 75. Alison Boulter. Albert Einstein. Here's some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. With a cowculator. 9. 209. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. Only two more days until Friday.". How do astronomers organize a party? Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 199. 8. Top 75 Funny Daily Affirmations | Committed To Myself Thank God Im an atheist. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. Every day is a gift, thats why they call it the present. 3. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. 266. Positive affirmations are a longstanding practice for those of us who need a little extra daily encouragement, and the best part isthey're free and they're flexible! I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. A wishbone. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. 73. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. 120. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. My jokes do. 1. I keep moving forward even if my pants come off. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. Positive Affirmations And Inspiring Quotes About Life Life is filled with highs and lows, sometimes, we need some inspirational quotes to help us overcome challenges of life and offer guidance to us. What do computers eat for a snack? I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. You may think youll never get over it, but you will, and youll be fine., 7. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! 89. no rich foods. So far, so good. 256. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? Some when they enter, others when they leave., 2. 234. 85. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me., 12. Envelope. We all need a little energy boost here and there. Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. 86. I dont want to fix my spending habits. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. 32. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive. The best things in life are free. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full. It has nothing new to tell you. 103. The thing is, I am still getting ready. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. He who laughs last didnt get it. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. The rest are too expensive. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. Not everyone has to like me. 1. 185. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 8. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. 41. - Jack London. 78. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! Below youll find a collection of funny affirmations for work that will help you stay motivated and fight the work stress more efficiently. 2. 141. To thrive in life you need three bones. 96. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried. Bill Murray, 258. 2. - Bette Midler. You can be positive and yet be funny and easy-going. 48. 5. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? 231. Enjoy! Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. So, watch your words, restructure your thoughts, and stay positive if you want to see a change in your life. It just plain forms. He said, 'So does the guy I stole it from.'" Infographic: What is the Ultimate Commitment. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. Good morning! I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. 35. Wilson Mizner Theres no stopping me now. Not me, but somebody does. I intend to live forever. Why was six scared of seven? I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me. 276. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. 3. Everyone brings happiness to this office. 223. 60 Happy Affirmations That Instantly Make You Feel Better I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. 15. Paul Ehrlich, 241. Theres no stopping me now. 176. Emphasis on the cool. I can have peace, even when people irritate me. The 50 Funniest Inspirational Quotes - Curated Quotes 37. I didnt fall, Im just spending some quality time with the floor. 2. Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. Even if you dont consider yourself a funny person, you should never be afraid to express your unique humor. Sam Levenson Description for this block. Which affirmation put a smile on your face? Because seven ate nine. If you feel like todays not your day and the best thing would be to stay in bed, Ive got something that will cheer you up. Bill Murray Live life to the fullest. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 271. 93. Because it was soda pressing. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. I am on a seafood diet. 275. 227. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. 4. Funny Daily Affirmations. It just plain forms. "Don't let anyone ever dull your . 58. If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. I will go out. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. Art doesnt transform. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. 194. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. This is a snap. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. 24. 224. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. Im thinking like a proton, always positive., 9. 66. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. So, here's our compilation of funny work quotes that are perfect for every workplace: Image Source: Unsplash. I am feeling wittier and more naturally funny. 11. You can only be young once. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. 216. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. Everyone brings happiness to this office. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. 158. 3. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. Im full of funny ideas waiting to be expressed. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. Erma Bombeck. 69 Funny Affirmations To Lighten Up Your Mood 125. We all have those days when we feel like the world is coming to an end. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? When life closes a door, just open it again. Your values become your destiny. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. 69. 9. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me., 14. Any text will do. 9. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. 22. 150. I understand people talking about me. "Your mistakes don't define you.". Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. 106. 56. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. 53. 30. You can use affirmations to alleviate pressure in highly stressful scenarios, like taking an exam or going to a job interview. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. Pat Sajak How do astronomers organize a party? People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. 198. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. 128. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. The thing is, Im still getting ready. 244. 72. My son is now an entrepreneur. I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. 92. Funny positive affirmations do work. Positive affirmations kind of set the way how your day will flow. (John 14:27) 27. 5. Im describing you. I did not trip and fall. Short people with an umbrella. 46. 192. Groucho Marx. 17. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? You can write them on sticky notes to set on your mirror, on the notes app in your phone for on-the-go encouragement, or you can simply memorize your favorites and recite . You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. 9. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. Nobody gets out alive anyway. See more ideas about sarcastic, funny quotes, funny. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember

Iowa Mugshots 2020, Open Casket Sam Kinison Funeral, Articles S